'This feels like punishment from a previous lover....a very magickal and delightful person.... more like a queen of swords. ll never be a good dominant. I read the whole book tonight. Sigh. I'm too much of a man, and scared and shit. I'm nervous. Ok, let me list my good points. I'm familiar with s&m, yet worry of promiscuous and trashy folk [trashy as in drug addicts and alcoholics]....I believe I could set a good ambiance, and atmosphere, if I really tried to come up with it. Music and stuff. Hmm. I'm already nervous and high strung, and add sexual trauma to it. Therapist and such were mentioned and even some resources given. I'm also transgender to make matters worse and well. I have some fantasies but actually doing them? A man that is a good listener would be needed. She emphasized communication so very much in the book. And I agree, and I come from a family that doesn't talk to each other, but I'm a Gemini... so I have that working for me and going against me. I don't actually like sex very much. I'm asexual. Male and female bodies so bore me, but people dont, just when it comes down to sex. Another thing I worry about is I so love pleasing my partner, bringing them to orgasm, almost selflessly. How will I wait? I was a dominant man in s&m and now a traumatized, transgender female. I wouldn't say that then or wherever I was s&m was practiced like it is today. In a healthy manner. This seems almost new age to my old brain. I guess in a way I was a predator, choosing weak women, even in stature, and dominating them. Some I even think I killed when I was through with them. I wish I attended more drag shows loool, that was fun. Hopefully have some confidence rub off from the Queens. Hahaha. Few partners did I ever bring close to my heart and even then close to my soul. I do want to go back and do this in a healthy manner, maybe it will sate my guilt and make me a better, more intellectual and clever person, and give me the deep connections with people I so crave. I just really wish the Earth had magick pumping through it like it did in the olden days. Where I could change gender and my partner could as well. It's not the body I fall in love with but the soul. Damn I feel smarter than God and more evolved than God and shit..... Just going through things that hinder it..... like some kind of slave.. well fuck that. I'm going to be dominant now. I fear my sadism though. Bondage seems to actually frighten me. Maybe some bad experiences.... But here I am, reading about it again. How do I bring that dominant man in my head to embracing all gender and safer practices? "By reading more" I crave feeling the sadistic vibe, wishing I had the ability for quick verbal lashings too. But maybe that could be my strong point. Leaving him hanging on by barely speaking. These outfits doe.. Not working for me. Since Im a man and shit. Sigh. "stop calling yourself a man" ... v-v help me.
fuck you
MANDERMAN
No comments:
Post a Comment